People say I am friendly, and because of that, well-known in the surrounding area or colleagues... but truth be told, I don't think I have many friends with whom I can just be myself with.. It's like I am always aware of my surrounding and there is like an invisible wall that prevents me from going closer to them.
This is something that I've been struggling with, fear of betrayal or abandonment makes me extra careful in making friends. I choose not to share much of myself unless I know that they show interest in myself as a personal being, not just what I am capable of doing or because I am nice, or I make them have fun, really.
It's just my nature to be careful with my feelings. I have grown up being taught not to trust people, because it's not a safe place out there. But over the years I have learnt that I learnt that God can mend a broken heart, I just need to let Him do His work, don't get in the way or reject Him.
I realized just lately since I lived in the girls house, I could finally see that walls around me. I subconsiously confine my feelings deep within me because I don't think thaey will be able to realte to it... Many many times during the time of sharing I was challenged to just be honest about what I think and how I feel about things... And it feels like I had to make an extra effort to let them see my true self.
It's not like I've never been hurt, as the matter of fact it was because I couldn't open up my heart, the loneliness is building up even when I am not alone, and I realize that it's simply because I haven't really been my true self and being to some of them and God's been nudging me to do so and break the walls.
I like what I found in a website called Jesus Crash:: Seeking the Sacred through real life encounters.
It says...
"We live in an unsafe world. As a result we set up walls to protect our hearts. However, real connection occurs at the heart level. Unless we break down those walls, we will only continue to survive when we were truly meant to thrive. A Heart that is surviving, fights against the world, protecting itself from getting hurt again. A heart that thrives is one that joins with others, and through such connection is built up, grows, helps others to grow, and experiences life that can only occur in true heart-level community. Break through the walls to your heart and truly live."
Not easy, but with His persistent and gentle reminder again and again, I will slowly but surely breakthrough this, just be myself even when I am out of the comfort zone, even with people that I can't really relate to =]
