Aiji, you are so laid back! -.-

~~Halfway through DEEPER~~

I have got to say that I am quite puzzled that so far I did only 4 SOAP journals! I thought I'd have more time to spend on journal-ing when I am sick coz I am not going to uni, but... how did I missed them all??? I probably did read the daily devotional, and that's it... 

So I confess my failure in keeping up on SOAP journal, and I still do not have consistency on chewing on the Words of God. But I know that from the beginning of DEEPER God's been speaking to me on the issue of pride and prejudice.

"Do not think highly of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." [Rom 12:3]

Looking at what I have written, all  4 days, I prayed for change of 'judging' attitude that I have... I know that I do have this problem to always want to be 'right' and I am so accustomed to despise what is 'wrong' and so I am always quick to avoid people are doing the wrong things. I never want to associate with them and maybe under my conscience, I started to put labels on the people around me, 'kind', 'trustworthy', 'not reliable', 'gossiper', 'backstabber','proud', etc etc... And their labels highly affect how I treat them...

Paul warned the church in Corinth not to make judgment ahead of time, because God is the only Holy one who has the right to pass judgment on human beings. And everyone of us is flawed and guilty, if it's not for the washing by the blood of Christ. 

I thank God that He has convicted me on this, and even if it's just on this one thing that He wants to reveal to me, I am glad that He speaks, and will continue His work in me, from the inside out. 

& as I am God's workmanship, I shall boast only of my Master's skill =D 

Devil-ish choc cake

On the fourth day into DEEPER, I allowed myself to have for breakfast some choc cake Naomi brought home last night...
When I looked at it in the fridge I had a warning within me not to eat it, but I told myself, why not, I haven't set myself to fast from snack the whole time, only between lunch and dinner, so I can eat a cake for brekie, it is looking so good, I am eating it! Humm... it was yummy, and i loved the thick cream cheese on it, and some thick caramel cream in the cake? It tasted a bit bitter like... liquor-ish ! And it felt really heaty down the throat! Oh my, I sensed trouble coming my way... 

Uh yeah, it came swiftly like the wind blowing me down in the middle of the night! I had a sore throat the next morning and kept coughing the whole day And that was just the beginning, before I drank energy drink+alcohol mix in the arvo (participating in a research). After the alcohol, it just got worse, I had headache, neck-pain, and funny-feeling stomach, AWFUL! It's really hard to fall to sleep at night with the coughing and neck-pain...  And I was supposed to go to visit Shermi with Wen cs the next day, but I couldn't bring myself together and just had to rest at home, the whole day, with sore throat and neck-pain...  

Owh, I learnt one thing:: disobedience/ ignoring God's warning leads to danger =( God's warnings or prohibitions are for our own benefit. They are to prevent us from unnecessary pain in the future.. I enjoyed the choc cake for half an hour that morning and suffered the sickness for a week, was it worth it? I wished I would have heeded the warning in my heart.

I am a good girl, NOT.

Two days into DEEPER just got me started again on chewing on the words of God.

Yesterday, I was challenged to go back to have my quiet time, although I was tempted to stay back in the office because I had work that I could do while I was still at it... "God, I need to work hard rite, now I could work, let me stay back and work. I have spent some time interpreting bible verses this afternoon, now let me spend some time on my thesis." But the voice within me keep nudging me to leave...  Hesitantly, I agreed to leave the office and had devotional time in my room.

The title of today's devotion is 'Being a friend to those in need'. From the title, I thought,"Yeah, that's so general, I know that", but reading the in 'Application part' as Ps.Sally wrote about being slow to judge and quick to help, I was prompted to pray for that area of my heart, because I know I am always quick to judge.

Okay, that's the prayer point for me tonight, and later at night was bible talk from Mike with the boys, man, that's alot of 'bible study' that I had done today! Am I not doing too much? Hmm, consider this as payback for the many that you missed! Now, just keep munching on the words -NomNomNOm-

So Mike talked about spiritual gifts and LOVE, on 1Cor13. He said lots of things, but one thing I want to point out was the part when he said every spiritual gift is used for the glory of God, not for our own glory. The apostles did miracles and healings in the name of Jesus and refused worship from the people but point them to Jesus alone. Paul and Barnabas replied to the priest of Zeus and the crowd when they wanted to offer sacrifice, "Men, why are you doing these things? We also are men, of like nature with you, and we bring you good news, that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them." [Acts 14:8-18]

In todays' society, how easy it is to use the spiritual gifts to lift up our reputation, or the local church reputation. Oh yeah, our local church has great people, awesome gifted dancers and singers and prophets, etc etc...

How good does it feel to have people say 'You are a good person.' I felt good when Molly said that to me because I prayed for her, and I took it as if it was my reward, but I shouldn't be content with it. The bible says that 'No one is good, except God.'

If I had not had spent time reading the bible and praying these two days, I wouldn't be prompted to pray for her... Without God I would be just a selfish judgmental girl that she sees everyday. So it does make a lot of difference when I spend time reading the bible, it transforms me, I wished I could have encouraged her to do the same too, that she'd find peace in the promises of God, "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through Him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God." [2Cor1:20]

Investing towards eternity

Time is the most tricky property that every human possesses. Everyone has 'time' living on earth, and we spend it for things that we love and value! Earning money, shopping, watching movie, dancing, cooking, and the list keeps going... We can look at time being invested for other things that are important to us, and when the bible tells us to invest for the Kingdom of God, that includes our time, and it says,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, ... But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal." [Matt 6:19-20]

So, this is what I think when I read this verse: we are to invest our time for eternity, not the just things of this world, like food, fashion, game,etc etc...

What does it really mean? First of all, where is heaven, how can I store treasures in heaven? 

At first I thought it meant that I should spend my time, money, energy, any possessions on things that will lead to eternity with God, so it's like a long-term investment to gain heaven... But then when I read what I wrote, it sounded so wrong within me, this isn't it, so what is?? it's either this world, or Heaven.. It did not mention 'hell'

So maybe it's not talking about 'heaven' where we go after death but 'heaven' when we are still on earth? How does it work?

Hmm... To think about it, death is not as scary if it's not because of the thought of judgement and suffering that is gonna happen after death itself. BUT, these things are happening on earth too, some people do live like they are in hell, suffering and persecution, slavery of greed and pride..

So laying up our treasures 'in Heaven' maybe would be to invest into the 'goodness of God' in this corrupt world, rather than investing in 'goodness' of this world?

I am just thinking about myself, yesterday when I was so obsessed by the pair of shoes that I saw in Rivers, and I pursued them from Southern Cross->South Warf->Camberwell->Bridge Road.. That's an example of 'treasure in this world' and yes it was beautiful and I was happy when I get it, but it didn't make much difference in my heart if or not I have them. It does make a difference in outward appearance when I wear them of course, but it won't be as good unless my heart is at peace.

Proverb 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life"

and my heart is at peace only when I know God is not mad at me.. 

I'd rather not have that shoes and be in peace with God than have that shoes but being cast out from His presence. So, I know I have been distracted every now and then by fear of failing PhD, and I tried to comfort myself with sweet treatment and shopping and trying to chillax! But I they don't last long...  I feel dry within me and no treatment from the outside can't drench my thirst for peace within from the Spirit of the Lord, and I need to stop treating my 'brain power', and start working on the 'spirit power'.

I think the best formula for the remedy of my broken heart is this:

Jesus heals, Holy Spirit comforts, and the Father approves.

And that leads me into DEEPER - prayers and fast - 2012

Stay sober

"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit..."

[Ephesians 5:18]

I have always wondered how it felt to be under alcohol, is it really that good to be 'high'? Today, I finally tested it and all I felt was dizziness and a little bit of easiness. I thought I'd lost control but no, I managed to stay in control because when I wanted to relax and just go with it, there's a thought in my head that warned me, "Do not let the flesh to take control, let the Spirit reigns over your body and mind!" And it said,"Stay alert!" So I tried not to stay awake, not to lose my mind and I didn't! 

 I knew Minh said I talked a lot and so I stopped talking... Although I wasn't clearheaded coz the alcohol's effect started to kick in, but it was still fine, I thank God for protecting me from drunkenness... I never drank liquor before so I don't know my limit and Sarah (the researcher) said there was a lady who passed out after drinking the alcohol, so I thought it would be so strong and I probably would lose my mind, but I didn't, thank You Lord for answering my prayers and strengthen me physically and mentally to stay sober. 

 And, this experience has affirmed my opinion: ALCOHOL SUCKS! (at least for me) Headache, dizziness, neck-pain, and funny stomach for the next day(s), what's the benefit of these?

The story of Simon Peter-the rock

Spiritual journey of Simon Peter from a fisherman to a fisher of men
by Bill Crowder - RBC ministry

It was by the lake of Gennesaret, that is at the sea of Galilee, in the morning, Jesus went onto Simon's boat and taught the crowd from the boat. After He has finished speaking, Jesus told Simon to let down the net for a catch. As a fisherman, Simon Peter knew that it is just not possible to catch fish at that place at this time, especially that day because even though they had worked hard all night, they haven't caught anything. But Simon respected Jesus highly,. and he replied," Master, we've worked all night and caught nothing, but because you said so, I will let down the nets."

At that time, Simon has met Jesus probably three times and he has heard his teaching. He also acknowledge Jesus as 'Master' or the word in Greek used is for 'captain of the boat'.

Despite everything that he's learnt as a fisherman told him that it is such a foolish act, he did so just to please the master. He certainly did not expect any catch that time, and when he saw the miracle, he felt guilty, probably because first of all, he realized that he did not believe Jesus could do it, and secondly he acknowledge that he realizes that Jesus came from the Holy God and he is is so far away from God's holiness. He fell at Jesus' knees and said,"Go away from me Lord; I am a sinful man!" But Jesus told Simon not to be afraid, and that from now on Simon will fish for people. So Simon Peter pulled the boat up on the shore, left everything and followed Jesus. He made a wise choice not to be occupied by the abundant catch of fish and fix his mind on the source of the blessings.

So Peter followed Jesus closely and observe His words and miracles He performed, and God then revealed to him that Jesus was the promised Messiah that they have been waiting for, even though he did not understand what Jesus as the Messiah had come to do [Mat 16:13]. So, Simon Peter made up his mind to follow Jesus not knowing that Jesus would surrender Himself to the Roman soldiers.

At the last supper Jesus warned him about his betrayal," Simon, satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you Simon, that your faith may not fall." and Simon replied, "Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and death." He thought he could handle it, and he did try to fulfill his promise when the soldiers came and looked for Jesus. But things didn't go as he expected it would be, Jesus did not fight back and fear started to crawl into his mind, what's going on here? He followed Jesus into the house of the high priest, yet to protect himself, Simon Peter denied Jesus three times, without realizing what it really meant. And when he heard the rooster crowed, he remembered Jesus warned him that indeed he would disown Jesus three times. At his point, he went outside and wept bitterly [Luke 22:54-61] Surely at that time, his pride was shattered, his self-sufficiency has failed him, and what's left in him was shame and sense of failure.

After the crucifixion and even the resurrection, Simon Peter returned to his old life as a fisherman, for he felt unworthy to be one of Jesus' disciples. But Jesus again showed up at the lake where Simon and the other disciples were fishing, and Jesus again brought abundant of fish to them, and afterwards, he had breakfast with them and asked Simon, "Do you truly love me?" and Simon replied," Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Even though in English, the same word "love" is used, but in the original transcript, Jesus used the word 'agape' which means sacrificial love, but Simon replied Jesus with the word 'philia' that means brotherly love, the strong bond of friendship. Jesus again ask Simon the same question, and Simon replied also with the same sentence. At this point, Simon has learnt from the past that he is not that strong and Jesus knows all things, he can't lie to Him.This 'philia love' for Jesus probably all Simon was certain of, not 'agape love'. But the third time Jesis again ask Simon, but this time the word Jesus used was 'philia'. Jesus lowered down His demand from Simon and accept what he could offer, and emphasized, "If you love me (Philia love), feed my sheep."

PhD: what is it really that I am pursuing?

According to dictionary.reference.com, philosophy is the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.
If you know me, you'd know that I am much more random and emotional than rational! Why then, God, did You approve, if not appoint, me to take a philosophy study in engineering?

Rational and critical thinking has always been my weakest point!!!!  =(
My deepest being sometimes cry out in rebellion, I don't enjoy this at all! I am wasting my time because I haven't been giving my best since I have been living a life where I have always been told what to do and all I do is obey if I agree, or ignore if I don't understand or disagree. But now, I am supposed to come up with an idea of my own...
THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLD. And I did not know what it is like and how things work in that world. Now I get a grasp of it, I was supposed to propose a rational reason or idea that contribute to a particular area, investigate the truth regarding that idea, and come up with a conclusion if or not that idea is valid based on the rational and logical reasoning in engineering!

It's probably too late now that I just began to see what it is all about...
Dr Man has always told me that I always want a shortcut because I am lazy to think, and that is wrong. Now I get it, philosophy is not about the result, it's about the process of thinking itself.
What have you done to proof if or not this idea is valid... That is research!

Indeed, PhD degree is given to a student who has shown, in the form of the thesis, that he is capable of doing a research that is systematic and fruitful, and is ready to be an independent researcher. I was told that too in the 'thesis writing' workshop. I am glad that I was told this before I write my thesis.
"A PhD thesis should be presented in a systematic way to show that you have done enough work to logically present your own idea."

And I know I could have done things better if only I could ignore the whispers of 'have fun, phd doesn't really matter, do what you like.' Yes, these few years, being a PhD student, meeting sophisticated people like Matt, Alicia, Charli, Naomi, Remco,  does shape the way I think about things and ideas and accepting different views of looking at one thing. It is a whole different world where there are not only one 'correct way' of achieving something. Always look for "possibilities", DON'T BE NARROW-MINDED!

Is this a kind of discipline that God intended me to have throughout the study? It probably is, since it is a very important matter for apostolic ministry. Am I supposed to be in that ministry? I don't know, but I am going to focus on this matter rather than to think of the torture/hardship or worry or fear so much if I don't get the PhD degree...

Hey, happy Easter! no bunny nor egg please =]

What better thing to do on Easter than to go to church and celebrate the resurrection of our King? =D

It was a beautiful day and even though I lack of sleep from staying up late watching gossip girl last night, it was wonderful seeing familiar faces, starting with not-so-familiar face that I just met, who is also an Indonesian and she lives on Glenferrie, yay! We can get to know each other next week maybe.

It's funny how when I was suggesting to Justin of how good if our connect group can have lunch together, to get to know each other better, but we are not energetic enough to organize one but hey and hello, we did have one nonetheless, since the gals initiated it =D and although I was too tired to organize one, just participating sounds not as tiring and Ika was there so it's wonderful.

Nice afternoon lunch and really get to know new friends, that's weekends =D
And another blessing from God that I had such a peaceful nap that I didn't even realized that it was just a nap and it's not morning yet when I woke up. Just for the moment I forgot everything and felt so alive =D Although I had a weird dream of meeting Louisa and she rebuked me for not doing anything at the moment to serve at church, which I was not happy about it.

And the second part of the dream! I got trapped in the elevator in a dark Swiny building just going up and down not knowing when it's gonna stop. It was a nightmare but I didn't wake up at the worst moment. In the dream itself someone helped me to open the door of the lift from the outside and get me out of the elevator. And after the door was open I realized that it's just the feeling I got from the inside as though it's moving so fast up and down non-stop, the elevator actually stayed on that floor all the time.

It's like how I always thought I am trapped in the miserable perspective of life and not until God opened my mind to the small elevator I was trapped in it. He opened my heart to the spiritual realm and much bigger perspective of the Saviour King, God of the universe who is powerful yet loving. And things are not like what I thought they were from inside the elevator. That dream was telling me that I need to trust Him more, regardless of what seem to be happening.

And just how great is His faithfulness. It's been countless times I make mistakes, doubting Him and try to do it on my own... Still He embraces me when I return to Him. Great is the love of the Father in Heaven, and His Son, beyond comprehension.