So October is here again, my birthday weekend is here again and it's wet rainy Saturday again! LOL Oh well, we are in lockdown anyway, still cannot go to restaurants to celebrate. I am grateful that I was actually pretty blessed on this birthday. I have not spent so much time with housemates in years and let alone celebrating birthdays together, and this year it makes a huge difference being in a lockdown. God's faithfulness displayed in many different ways.
I actually dreaded the coming birthday so much, being haunted by bad memory from last year. I always thought celebrating my birthday with my partner would be the best way to spend the day but.. was I wrong.. Yes it started nice with birthday greetings and gifts, and the walk in the rain was nice, but by the end of the day I was left feeling dumb, insecure, and wondering what have I done wrong? I mean, he picked my birthday of all days to tell me he had doubt about our future together and decided to spend the evening with his friend instead, not even asking my opinion on it, really.. And the "talk" escalated very quickly to the end of our relationship, over a text, no further discussion.
I thought God will spare me of this pain from a broken relationship.. But turned out this was a journey I needed to take. It really led me to so much self reflection and taught me patience (and urrrrgh it's getting harder each day to wait thinking it's been so long, are we there yet?). So many times I felt impulsive urge to try to mend the relationship, but after all, thanks to dearest Iris' wise counsel and prayer, I held on to wait and watch for the leading of God's intervention, not doing it my way. My counsellor asked me, so what are your choices now, stay delusional wishing he'll change his mind and call me, get stuck in the past and regrets, blaming yourself and continue mourning, confront the problems once and for all or go on living and trust God will guide your path?
Through this all, I am grateful for a new life group and the wonderful people I met after.. Had I not broken up then, I would have gone with him to an LG of his choice, yes he's decided it without considering me, and I would likely feel lost there, but in this LG I feel so welcomed and I belong. We read the bible, share our thoughts and experience with life, worship together, pray for each other and we have seen many prayers answered, it's so encouraging. God has been so faithful and patient with me and my brokenness. In the first week of the break up, this song playing in my head "His promises never fail". What promise, God? I asked. It is that His ways are higher than my ways, and He is for me not against me, so I can trust in Him whatever path He is taking me on. Do not run away, but be honest when I feel weak or helpless, submit my desire, fear and disappointment to Him because a wound that remains covered will rot, it needs to be exposed and treated. Some people say the most powerful thing in this world is the truth. I do want to have a partner and raise children together for the next generation, I want to do that with a man who share the same vision of a family and I know God is moulding my characters to be meek, considerate, more patient, and humble to be of a good steward and I am not alone in this journey.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path" [Proverbs 3:5-6]
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