There goes my two years of PhD in Swinburne, with academic publication = zero... That's such a shame! I wished I’d accomplished much more than this, and the truth that my progress is not satisfying is a pressure in a way. I am kinda bounded by this fear of failure, and i am not supposed to!
We went into the topic of discipleship and one of the ways too grow in faith is to keep prayer diary to jot down the prayers, so we recognize them when we see how they are answered...
Hmm any prayer answered? Let’s see… Last week I somewhat see I have begun to see my own system instead of just 'Huang's model', which is a good thing, but on the other side, i am still so far behind and don't really catch up much. Am i not being grateful or Am i being worried, or Am i just being pressured? I know that this is really a time of training in patience, endurance, perseverance, faith, and surrender.
Jesus said that whoever wants to be His disciple must take up the cross and follow Him. What he meant by taking up the cross is to die to self, be born new, & hidden in Christ, holding on solely to the hope of salvation.
Think about it, I have been depressed by thinking of the failure that I might face, and that’s simply because of my pride and worry for my future… I had beem motivated by the negative thoughts of not being able to publish papers! That is not a healthy motivation, certainly not to God’s glory. That affects the way I see things, and the center of that thought is pretty much myself. I am not taking up my cross daily as how I should...
The course of discipleship teaches us to be faithful, be hardworking, be strong, be selfless~
Thank God that the Holy Spirit is always there to convict me when something is wrong.
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