Honesty is the best policy

So October is here again, my birthday weekend is here again and it's wet rainy Saturday again! LOL Oh well, we are in lockdown anyway, still cannot go to restaurants to celebrate. I am grateful that I was actually pretty blessed on this birthday. I have not spent so much time with housemates in years and let alone celebrating birthdays together, and this year it makes a huge difference being in a lockdown. God's faithfulness displayed in many different ways. 

I actually dreaded the coming birthday so much, being haunted by bad memory from last year. I always thought celebrating my birthday with my partner would be the best way to spend the day but.. was I wrong.. Yes it started nice with birthday greetings and gifts, and the walk in the rain was nice, but by the end of the day I was left feeling dumb, insecure, and wondering what have I done wrong? I mean, he picked my birthday of all days to tell me he had doubt about our future together and decided to spend the evening with his friend instead, not even asking my opinion on it, really.. And the "talk" escalated very quickly to the end of our relationship, over a text, no further discussion.  

I thought God will spare me of this pain from a broken relationship.. But turned out this was a journey I needed to take. It really led me to so much self reflection and taught me patience (and urrrrgh it's getting harder each day to wait thinking it's been so long, are we there yet?). So many times I felt impulsive urge to try to mend the relationship, but after all, thanks to dearest Iris' wise counsel and prayer, I held on to wait and watch for the leading of God's intervention, not doing it my way. My counsellor asked me, so what are your choices now, stay delusional wishing he'll change his mind and call me, get stuck in the past and regrets, blaming yourself and continue mourning, confront the problems once and for all or go on living and trust God will guide your path? 

Through this all, I am grateful for a new life group and the wonderful people I met after.. Had I not broken up then, I would have gone with him to an LG of his choice, yes he's decided it without considering me, and I would likely feel lost there, but in this LG I feel so welcomed and I belong. We read the bible, share our thoughts and experience with life, worship together, pray for each other and we have seen many prayers answered, it's so encouraging. God has been so faithful and patient with me and my brokenness. In the first week of the break up, this song playing in my head "His promises never fail". What promise, God? I asked. It is that His ways are higher than my ways, and He is for me not against me, so I can trust in Him whatever path He is taking me on. Do not run away, but be honest when  I feel weak or helpless, submit my desire, fear and disappointment to Him because a wound that remains covered will rot, it needs to be exposed and treated. Some people say the most powerful thing in this world is the truth. I do want to have a partner and raise children together for the next generation, I want to do that with a man who share the same vision of a family and I know God is moulding my characters to be meek, considerate, more patient, and humble to be of a good steward and I am not alone in this journey. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path" [Proverbs 3:5-6]

Hello you!

Helloooooooow blogspot, years of absence and wow I can't recognise the interface anymore.

So I have closed a chapter of life of study study study- research research research - paper paper paper and comfortable in the working life now. One day I'll share my years on journey with y'all how I got to where I am now, in the world of data analysis. All praise to God for answering my prayer at the last moments when I started to feel the pressure and frustration of uncertainty of what I am gonna do for my career? Thank You Daddy for coming through on time <3<3

And today, well it's been for more than half of 2020 now, we found us in an unprecedented time of a global pandemic and the world and the culture in working and human interaction is changed and we are taking a turn to different dynamics for the rest of our lives. 

Working from home has become a norm, which was a privilege to some including my team (we have been equipped to do so for the past two years) and honey, it comes with some perks, advantages and disadvantages. An example, I woke up in the middle of the night (4AM ish) and realized i forgot to upload a file and refresh a report that should done by yesterday. So I woke up to the alarm at 7AM and first thing I did, turn off the alarm of course ^o^ then turn on my work laptop and did what I was suppose to do. So i didn't miss a deadline. Sweet. 

And If you know me you know I always go in and out last from office, and late most of the time... now that we are WFH, I am never again late to the office. 

Now question is, would these likes outweigh the likes for conservative office style? Let's see, up to this day, I have been sitting at a table that is too low and have a very cluttered working space... The poor set up for my monitor and table have caused me pain when sitting too long, and I do this 4 days a week at the moment due to company's policy to take leaves (can't imagine how i'll do with 5 days a week??). So, no I don't like WFH more than working from office because I can simply walk 20 minutes to the office and have a properly set working station to support my shoulder and plenty of space to move around. Of course it would be a different story if I live in Geelong or elsewhere that will require at least 1 hour commute to office, which I am hoping and praying will happen soon. That would be another chapter of life.

COVID-19, what have we all learnt from this ? To me, I learnt that human is relational being at the core, and no body can live alone, physical well being and emotional well being are equally important, if they are not I would tend to weigh the latter slightly more (maybe biased by the second X-chromosome but hey there is one saying in Proverbs "a cheerful heart is a good medicine"). So a lesson leant for me is to remember to prioritise my relationships over routine and life business even after pandemic is over. And talking about relationship, I have not mentioned much of it so far in my journal but I got a feeling I might write much more about it from now on, the good, bad, and the ugly.

One step closer

Finally, finally, finally! Finally, I had submitted my thesis for these PhD years. Oh, regardless the quality of the papers, I managed to write a thesis of 6 chapters, 120 pages without the references. At last, I have come to this point in this long journey. All my praise goes to You, almighty God!!!

Again and again I was brought back to the story of king Jehoshaphat when a vast army from Ammon, Moab, & Mt Seir marched against Jerusalem, the Lord told him to go on, march down against them and do not be discouraged because the battle belongs to God. Indeed He led the army of Judah, singing praises to the Lord along the way, and they found the vast army destroying each other and they return back to Jerusalem with their plunder.

Another verse that I clinged on to is Mark 5:36. Jesus told a synagogue ruler upon the news of his daughter's death, in  "Do not fret, just believe"
When it seems there is no hope, I shall not fear, just believe in His sovereignty.

Indeed, in a midst of the darkness, there was me with my weakness...
But the Lord has not forsaken me
He has seen my distress
He heard my silent cries
He has attended to my cause
He raised me up to walk on the dry desert
He has prepared the way for my rescue
What He has promised, He will bring it to pass
regardless my doubts and struggles, I am alive, not lacking anything!

I know that this is not the end yet, but I am glad, very glad, that I have the first draft for the very least. It is still a long way ahead, but I am one step closer to my dream of being a lecturer!
Now, I can start planning for a different chapter of life, without research! I want to gain experience in telecommunications industry, and I have asked myself again, should I stay in Melbourne or should I try to do this in Singapore? I am still not clear on this path...

I dreamt a dream & I am pursuing it

although... I am pathetic! Two chapters only summed up to 30 pages, when it's supposed to be 45 pages =( And I don't have the material to write the third chapter... It seems impossible to write a PhD thesis. 
If it is all just for my own satisfaction, I'll quit now n go back home and apply for a job in engineering field... I am sure I can start somewhere, even if it's only in Indo, with my english certificate... I will be happy enough to work as an engineer with a decent salary.

But, is that it? Did God lead me all the way to do PhD in oz just to build friendships and train my characters? I could have done it elsewhere and started working 3 years ago! This is not what I was shown in the dream that I had...

Oh Lord Jesus, it is a big dream, at least big enough to scare me, coz I never imagined myself in that kind of settings, and the path to that place is what scares me the most, it requires critical mind, is my weakest point. But because this is more than just for my own satisfaction, I shall not give up until the last minute eventhough it is all dark now. I just need to work extra hard, and not playing game! And at the end of it I shall look back and praise the Lord for letting me through it!

Adelaide ~retreat~

Estinelle suddenly had this crazy call to do bible college in Adelaide, and I was totally shattered she is leaving. I remember one of the converstations we had:::

A: I hate it that I can’t eat your cooking anymore. I still haven’t learnt much of your dishes

E: You can come and visit me in Adelaide. I will cook and you can also learn then

A: Right! Good idea, what about this xmas???? You’re not going anywhere, are u?

E: yeah, come, you can stay at my place if I have found a place then, or stay at Yar’s

Y: yes, woman, come!

And that led me to Adelaide~ I am so grateful for the trip as I get to be refreshed in the presence of HS. That is the highlight of the trip! And as the bonus to the already wonderful trip was a beautiful-beach-hanging-out-session with E&G

But the best part of the trip is indeed the experience in Yar's fellowship of Christians who are on fire for God! From the first meeting for bible study, the Spirit of God moved so strongly within them, and after one of the ladies prayed for me, I did not anticipate that I'd burst into tears, but that's what happened, few minutes after I sat down near the chair... It was a weird feeling of guilt, helpless and broken in sin, crying out for help, and knowing that His grace alone is able save me… It was liberating!

And I felt the passion for God from these group of people so strongly that it ignites a small fire within me too! Their lifestyles have God being the pillar of it. All the time, bible is within our reach, and every felloship closes in at least 15 mins of prayer! Being in this fellowship really challenged me to change my lifestyle, starting with more prayer and reading the words of God. 

Thank you Jesus, You know that I long for Your presence but I wasn't determined enough to make a difference. You showed me the reality of loving You involves not being afraid of being different! 

~Even though none goes with me~

More of You, less of me

Have you ever been in such an irritating situation and you try your best to get out of there but to no avail? Remember how much you asked God to change the situation or to deliver you out of it, yet nothing happened? What's going on??? Probably... God is burning you to take out the impurity so that you will be more like Him!

I experienced this in my current share-house, and it is a christian household, yet there are still conflicts within, and I want to get out of this house to a new place where I don't need to face this situation, but I couldn't find a better place to move into! You know, no matter how hard you try, if God doesn't allow it, nothing is gonna happen. And the opposite applies too, somethings you don't work for but God would give them to you, the greatest of which is your righteousness in Christ, it is the gift of God [Eph 2:9] Anyway, even if I do find a new house it doesn't guarantee that I will not have issue in the new house. Yet, I would be less bothered because I wouldn't expect them to care for the house in the first place, unlike this discipleship house...

But God is telling me to be patient and deal with this a children of God who loves with the love of God, that is kind and patient... Whenever I prayed about it, I knew God is doing something within me, strongly teaching me to be more grateful, to trust Him more, and be more forgiving... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice 

[Eph 4:25-32]

And it felt so much better after I presented the case to directly to the person, it lifted up the burden within the silent me.

Devil is the father of liars! He knows what you well and he will attack you in your weak spot, and make the fear paralyze you from doing the right thing so he can then condemn you for your misdeeds!And he doesn't give up easily! I just realized as I wrote, he kept trying, using different people, and the closer they are to you, the more impact it has on you! So my conflict with housemate could be resolved, then he changed his strategy to involve my friends! Jeez, that was a greater of disappointment I experienced, but from all these, I came to realize that I have grown a fear of conflict and worse, rejection... It had been within me growing up, but I thought it's gone long time ago, apparently it's just been buried and now it sprung up! I believe God is warning me to come back to Him and His truth to empower me to live in Christ. It is not by power nor by might but by the Spirit of God [Zec 4:6], and the sword of the Spirit is the word of God [Eph 6:17]

I once thought I had to be 'good enough' to worship God, but apparently what I needed to do was to humbly reach out to Him because God has created the whole earth for this sole purpose: so that man would seek Him and find Him!

From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us."
[Acts 17:26-27]

And it pleases Him when we seek His presence more than His blessings, and when we seek Him with all of our hearts, He will withhold no longer. The first time He unleashed His Spirit on me was when I desperately seek Him in my brokenness during a camp worship session, playing this song:

And yes, He's won my heart, right there right then! It's a whole new level of relationship with Him that I have since then. I experienced grace, and His presence was enough to set me free from the chains of fears. His Spirit leads me on!

Blessed everywhere we go =]

I have always been a home-girl before I embarked into my college life and maybe that affects my preference but most of the time I would rather stay at home than traveling to places alone. I will never ever plan a holidays by myself like some people would, unless it is free of course =p

And this year, I did get the chance to travel sponsored by Swiny to China, yes, I flew off Melb on 14 Oct ^o^ (I can't believe it was already last month! How time flies!) If u ask me why China out of all places ⌈it was just a suggestion from my supervisor and I thought that's a safe option compared to Hongkong, as I don't speak Cantonese at all..⌋ Sure, traveling alone to a land that I don't speak the language is so much more troublesome! Hence, I should minimize the possible hassle by not going to places without a chinese-speaking companion - and I have anticipated the trip will not be so much 'fun'. But God has got a different plan for me, He showed me that He could do more than I ask for and He is willing! =]

First day of the conference: nothing but registration, so we could go to the conference hotel anytime between 9am-4pm to register and that is it for the day. Fortunately it was written on the schedule so I didn't need to wake up early for nothing =p So I went to the venue at 10:30am and settled the registration very quickly, and I'd get to checkout the famous seafood place 'Shenjiamen', YAY!
What I didn't expect was I'd have a companion to go there!! This chinese guy that I met at the registration was so kind to come with me for lunch =D So, not only Shenjiamen mission accomplished, but also I made a new friend, JinDi is the name~~~ How good is God to me in this all-by-myself trip?

Second day: I came to the conference to listen to the guest speaker and sat next to a friendly girl who saw me with a handful of things and offered to put them on the empty seat next to her. Eventhough she only speaks Chinese, and my Chinese is not so good, we got the chance to chat and got to know each other's basic backgrounds =) It looked like she's not the type that chat much plus communication barrier made it harder yet she is quite a sweet girl, LiuWei. Although she left in the middle of the presentation and I thought ok byeeee, didn't think that I'd see her again, but only God knows ;)

Anyway, the presentations weren't quite related to my area of research & I was not interested to listen any longer so I also left the room, and apparently, JinDi saw me and called to arrange meet up for lunch and he asked if I'd like to join him and his friend from the same uni to go to Putuoshan after lunch, and Tadaaaa...♦ his friend is none other than LiuWei! What is the chance that the two out of hundreds people that I actually made friends with at different time, actually know each other! God is writing a story here!!!! Oh yea, the Author of my life story, Jesus, You are my BEST FRIEND, always surprises me in many ways!

And on the third day of the conference, we are divided into smaller groups for the presentations, and I chose telecommunication section (morning) over control system (afternoon) and while I was quite sleepy sitting in the room waiting for my turn, observing how the presenters talk about their stuff, and there was this girl who has brought some notes to present her project and she introduced herself in details like no other would! What's more, she is a PhD candidate too, not just a master student, and BUM! I just had the feeling that I could make friends with this girl... ♥ I WAS SO RITE ♥
Then we agreed to meet up for the day trip organized by the conference committee, + her bf & another friend from HangZhou, that made the 4 of us.. Then, + LiuWei was in the same bus with us & when she came to me I introduced her to Zhouli & she joined us since. Oh,God, You know I loved how they are so welcoming, what a nice group of friends for the beautiful day =D=D=D I am so blessed that I am not going for the day tour alone, that makes the day-tour from "it's allrite" to "AWESOME!"

Thank YOU Jesus for making me enjoy tht trip so much and not letting me feel lonely on my birthday this year ♥ ♥