Wow, third year!

There goes my two years of PhD in Swinburne, with academic publication = zero... That's such a shame! I wished I’d accomplished much more than this, and the truth that my progress is not satisfying is a pressure in a way. I am kinda bounded by this fear of failure, and i am not supposed to!

We went into the topic of discipleship and one of the ways too grow in faith is to keep prayer diary to jot down the prayers, so we recognize them when we see how they are answered...

Hmm any prayer answered? Let’s see… Last week I somewhat see I have begun to see my own system instead of just 'Huang's model', which is a good thing, but on the other side, i am still so far behind and don't really catch up much. Am i not being grateful or Am i being worried, or Am i just being pressured? I know that this is really a time of training in patience, endurance, perseverance, faith, and surrender.

Jesus said that whoever wants to be His disciple must take up the cross and follow Him. What he meant by taking up the cross is to die to self, be born new, & hidden in Christ, holding on solely to the hope of salvation.

Think about it, I have been depressed by thinking of the failure that I might face, and that’s simply because of my pride and worry for my future… I had beem motivated by the negative thoughts of not being able to publish papers! That is not a healthy motivation, certainly not to God’s glory. That affects the way I see things, and the center of that thought is pretty much myself. I am not taking up my cross daily as how I should...

The course of discipleship teaches us to be faithful, be hardworking, be strong, be selfless~
Thank God that the Holy Spirit is always there to convict me when something is wrong.

Relationships uncensored

God has been pointing these issues to me quite frequently lately: "relationship", and in particular, relationship -> marriage

I can't remember when the first poke happened, and what it was exactly, but it became more intense gradually. Things like friends falling in love & hearing love stories; then i found myself watching chickflicks like bridewars & wedding planner. this topic leaps its way to my brain, without me realizing it, to a point that I can't help but to acknowledge: Yes, it's gonna come to me one, ONE DAY!

Of course i want to get married, when i find the right one. But I don't want to think further than this, not until we touched on 'romantic relationship' in house meeting recently & relationship conference the week after that. How do you know that person is not right unless you give it a chance? It's funny how many people talked to me how relationships gave valuable lessons even though it didn't lead to marriage...

Hang on there, why do You throw these things on me now?
I have PhD to think about and I think it's already a tough one.
As much as I'd love to be in a relationship I might not be able to handle both at the same time, I am suggesting to put it on hold, yes God? But sure, nothing to lose to listen to relationship advise since I will be in a relationship ONE DAY. And through all these that happened along the topic of relationship, I got a chance to look carefully into this issue & so prepare me to face my fears and take the lead =D Thank You for being so patient with me <3

Prayers [Eph3:20-21]

"To Him who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever."

I can't imagine how 'exceedingly abundantly' is what you have in store for me. I know how high Your way is more that what I can't think of, Your plan is more that i can anticipate but I look forward to all you have ahead for me in the future. Please, help me to not get in the way of anything you want to do in me and through me.When I work but it seems not going anywhere and not bearing fruit, remind me that You are the source of all productivity. So please, make every barren area in my life to be fruitful. And let praise comes out of me even when I doubted that You, because only through Your Spirit i can break forth into the purpose for which You have called me.

~by Stormie Omartian

"Sing o barren, you who have not borne! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman," says the Lord. [Isa54:1]

Hillsong//ONE DAY "You"

~Hillsong team was rocking Melbourne for just a day with Hillsong United leading the worship session in the evening~ The day session has more teaching and the evening is more worship, it was fun, but what have i brought home?

I have learnt what they preached in the same area, but on that week I was struggling with PhD study. The issue of keep going, work hard, because there is no short cut~~ It's true, but what is that for? Is it worth the work and stress at all?

Well, i have to go back the the reason why I chose PhD at the first place. It's not for fame, partly it was Melb, partly bcoz it was offered, but what really contributed to my decision? It was the dream that I had about teaching the students... It was you I wanted to obey; God it is you =D  This is my fav song that night: YOU

Sweet Treatment for ~~

~depressive disorder in early stage!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." [Phil 4:6-7]

Indeed, God provided me in time of need, a loving house & ... 

...cupcakes!  Look^^ How cute are they?

But it wasn't just the cupcakes but it's the love brought with them that did the treat. I am so blessed to be put in this place just at the right time I need a home. =]

Was it the stress from study, was it emotional swing from social life at such wrong timing, wast it the food poisoning, or they all summed up together, i am not sure, but it was the worst week i ever had so far this year. Being sick, whether it's because of depression or just body's immunity down, made it even worse... I could say that it was a really depressing week with lots of tears, anxiety, fears & medicine...

Not that it was totally different this week, but I felt much better in terms of physical health and less emotional stress, because I have received plenty of love from the ladies, Charli, Maddy, Naomi, Rowan, Alison, Elsa, Georgina. I am so so thankful for having them around at such the time, taking good care of me & telling me that i am not alone... Also Ina&Alicia, they comforted me when i felt so lonely and helpless, and I know they feel lonely too at times. I am so grateful to have a shelter in depressing time =)

I could let go of my disappointment and fears and gained more courage to keep going because of you ladies! Special thanks to you and to God who's put me in this house. I love being here because Christ lives in here through the individuals. =)

'silence' from Heaven?

Ps.Dav was preaching from Mat 15:21-28, how the Canaanite woman kept begging Jesus despites His harsh reply, and because of her humble attitude and faith to receive, Jesus granted her wish. How she wasn't offended by Jesus looking at her as having same position as dogs, as it were.

Still she persevered without getting offended, how humble she was before Him?
Firstly, she acknowledged Jesus as Lord, she didn't go around to the paranormals but Jesus, knowing that Jesus IS ABLE to help her, and then... she acknowledged that she didn't deserve what she's begging for, but still she persevered, relying fully on His grace, thinking surely nothing is too big for Jesus, there will still be leftover for the undeserving... 

How are we compared to this woman?

 * Sometimes we think that we need to be perfect in order to get help from God

 * Sometimes we treat God as wish granter, i'm gonna pray and get it coz I deserve it!

 * Sometimes we think of our problem as the biggest thing in the world, we actually forget that God is bigger!  

 * Other times, we pray and hope that God will approve it, otherwise we console ourselves by thinking "So this is not for me after all."

At times when God seems to be silent, for goodness sake, how do you react to it? Do you keep staying in tune with Him, or you walk away from Him? How far are you gonna 'bug' Him in prayers shows much do you want what you're praying for... Look at that Canaanite woman, seemed so desperate, didn't she? How desperate are you for breakthrough, and how faithful are you in worshiping Him at the time of need?

God is not a genie nor a human pleaser

I was so tired of trying hard and keep not getting it! Do i really have what it takes to be a researcher? I am just mentally tired and Jesus, i really do need rest for my soul, i know i haven't been walking with you as much lately, and i am exhausted of trying on my own, just forgive me and talk to me, please?

@God: I am reaching church in 10 minutes, seeking Your peace and rest for my soul, so do answer me, will you? (as if He's obliged to do so?)
When the musicians play the worship songs, it just came to me that I had been treating God as this Powerful Spirit that can grant all my wish and make my life easier...

Let me ask you now, who is serving who?
 <> Have I really spent time with Him more than just the uttering of my needs? He is not any genie in the lamp or some wish granter lower than human being, so why would He respond to such a selfish wish of yours, lady?
 <> Have you been pleasing to Him at all, or you have gone away from Him to please your own flesh? You know what is going on there~~
Yeah, i know, i am sorry Lord , here i am *guilty*. Will you... take me back, by grace?

Really, all He requires is just me spending some quality time to know more of Him and i have neglected it, again and again. I can understand if He gets frustrated with me, and yet, His love endures forever?

some news to follow at http://au.christiantoday.com/ =p

T.D. Jakes in the Hollywood! I love T.D Jakes for his funny jokes and real story and his passion for outreach, but i never knew he is into movie! Wow, a real pastor in Hollywood movie? I am so gonna watch this movie: Jumping the Broom XD

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never  gives me some encouragement to breakthrough of fear of rejections. Sometimes i just don't want to tell how awesome Jesus is, coz i don't want to be thought as a weirdo. Most of the time i don't care but in some cases, i still do care, which is the times when i feel God is so distant, I just can't feel His presence, as if i am going on my own here... and so i was not convicted on His truth and started to seek acceptance from others so then i don't want to speak of which they are not likely to favor. 

I found Adjustment Bureau presenting an interesting issue in the movie, freewill vs destiny. The movie somehow tries to convey the message that man determines his own fate, nothing is fixed... It brings the small tiny point of the theology in there, really.

1. Surely God does know the best plan for each of us because He creates us, but He will not neglect our feelings about things. Falling in love with the wrong person? How do we even know she/he is wrong if we don't give it a try, unless it's obvious that he/she is drawing us away from God. He will let us try it out, until the day He says enough is enough.
2. The guy doesn't know the chairman, least likely that he likes him.
Christians love Jesus because He first loved us. That changes the whole perspective of CHAIRMAN'S PLAN vs HUMAN PLAN. We don't simply give up something for a plan that this stranger sets for us but if we know Him as a Father to us, our love for Him will soften our hearts to trust Him, who makes no mistake, unlike our earthly fathers.

But i like it how he was so desperate that he decided to find the chairman & convince him that he's decided whom he wants to be with, and he sacrificed everything for that, he went all the way for what he thought was true, and so the chairman granted his wish, only after he fought for it with everything he's got =] Sometimes God does do this to teach us to fight and not take things for granted. "Is it kinda a test?" You can say it's sort of it~ But we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose. [Rom 8:28] If you know Jesus, Emmanuel, you'll know this =)